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I dread this day. There are several days out of the year that I wish I could avoid altogether. This one is the worst.

She was beautiful. She was so SO funny. Her laugh was contagious. She was the most trustworthy person I knew. Everyone that had the pleasure of meeting her knew that she was an amazing girl. Too good for this world.

From 9 years old, if you asked me who my best friend was, I can guarantee that the response you’d get was “Brittany Riley”. That girl and I were stuck together like glue from the time we met each other. She was my safe place, my confidant, my partner in crime, you name it. We were, as they say, thick as thieves. This stayed the same all the way through high school.

Of course, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, just as any other dynamic duo. But one thing was for sure, you couldn’t keep us apart for long. We always found our way back to each other, no matter what.

I remember when we were little bitty things, how we would cry when we were reunited with each other after a week or so apart. She was my soulmate. And now half of my soul is gone.

It’s been four years today since I lost her. When I got the news, it was like the world completely shattered around me. I dropped to the ground, I screamed, I begged for it not to be true. No. There’s no possible way. Not MY best friend. She can’t be gone. It literally felt like my soul was ripped from my body. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see straight…and there was nothing I could do to make this go away.

For the next few days, while others were out helping with getting her service together and making sure everything was going to be perfect, I was at home. Laying in my bed. Completely numb, empty. How I got through those days, I will never know. I was in my pajamas up until 5 minutes before the funeral. Any other funeral I’ve been to, I dressed myself up nice. This one was different. I didn’t have the will to live, much less get dressed. I wore jeans and a t shirt with my hair messy. When I look back now, I feel that maybe people thought that was disrespectful of me. In that moment, all I could think about was that I didn’t want to be going where I was going, and maybe if I didn’t dress for it it wouldn’t be real. I wish so badly that that were true.

For the next several months, I stayed in a daze of xanax and sleep. I became more depressed than I had ever been. I just didn’t, couldn’t understand why God would take her from me. I had already lost several close childhood friends to car accidents, now my VERY best friend in the world was gone. Who do I call? Who do I go to when I need a shoulder to cry on? Who would I sit on the front porch with and almost pass out from giggling so hard? My heart was permanently crushed into a million pieces, with no way of ever fixing it.

Over the last four years I’ve struggled. I’ve hurt. I’ve cried. I’ve named my daughter after her. I’ve pretended that it wasn’t true so that I didn’t have to think about it. Time hasn’t healed my pain at all. The only thing that makes it a little easier is that with each day that passes, I know that it means I’m one day closer to seeing my Brittany.

Typical Thursday

I slept till noon today. I didn’t mean to. I planned on staying up after I got Cameron up for school this morning. I thought I’d go to the store, get me some coffee and enjoy my peaceful morning with Jaylea. Nope. None of those things happened. I mean, Jay and I slept all morning.. that was peaceful. But when I woke up and Dee was walking through the door on his lunch break, I felt instant guilt. He looked so disappointed.

I hate when I sleep all morning. It makes me feel like I wasted my whole day. I still have to go to work at 3, so it leaves me with just a couple hours to get things done and get ready. Dee doesn’t get off until 4, so I’ll have to take Jaylea with me until he comes to get her.

I love my job. It really helps my mental health being around elderly people everyday and feeling like I really have a purpose in this world. I mean, of course I’m a mommy, but sometimes you need to feel like you’re more than just a mama. I’m a med attendant at an Assisted Living. Doesn’t sound like much, but for some of them – I’m their world! The people that take care of them are, for some of them, the only people they ever see. We become their family. I take a lot of pride in that.

I don’t get home until after 11, and by that time my people are all asleep. Dee has to be at work at 7, Cam’s bus comes at 6:50, and Jaylea falls when Daddy falls. This leaves me up by myself for my thoughts to race through my head at a million miles per minute for the next 3 or 4 hours. It’s so hard for me to fall asleep at night, hence why I sleep till noon sometimes. I need to get back on my meds, honestly. I’m working on that.

I’m trying to get back to being me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been my true self. I don’t know if I even know who that is anymore. For now, I’ll go do the dishes and get the baby another snack, and hope for the best for today.

Hot Mess Me

Hey everyone! My name is Kassi. I’m the working Mama of a 6 year old little boy and a 2 year old little girl. Between kids, work, your partner, dealing with your mental health, and just being an adult in general, things can get pretty wild. I’m here to shed a little light, and possibly open some eyes and minds on what life looks like for us Hot Mess Mamas. I hope everyone enjoys my posts and maybe me being brutally open and honest in every subject will help others to see that you’re not doing it by yourself. We’re all struggling in one way or another. Let’s make the best of it! Keep pushing, people. We’ve got this!

My Mental Health

I’ll start by saying that dealing with mental health is no fucking fun. It’s exhausting. I’ve been through a whole lot in the last year, from a suicide attempt to being in two inpatient facilities, and everything that has happened since then. It had been a year since my attempt on September 14th. Somehow, I thought it’d be a good idea to write a book about my mental health journey. I’ll be sharing chapters as I get done with them.

I’m really big on sharing. I think that if I share my story and my struggles, maybe it will help someone else to see that they aren’t alone. We have to have some hope in this world that we aren’t the only one feeling this way or thinking we’re going crazy. Navigating through your own mind is hard enough, but throw a chemical imbalance in there and it’s like finding your way through the biggest maze that ever existed.

It’s been rough, but I’m finally starting to see the light. I’m excited to share with you all how my journey has gone so far, and I’m ready to see where this new chapter takes me!